Shmi's Diary--Don't Look Back
by princess-sari1
Summary: Shmi Skywalker relates her thoughts from the time just before TPM until just after Anakin leaves with Qui-Gon.
1. Entry 1

Excerpts From the Diary of Shmi Skywalker--Don't Look Back--Entry 1 Don't Look Back–Excerpts From the Diary of Shmi Skywalker   
  
Author: princess-sari  
Disclaimer: The Star Wars universe and everything in it belongs to George Lucas and Lucasfilm, Ltd. No money is being made from this story and no infringement is intended. 

Editor's Note: Yes, another Diary by princess-sari. :p I can't help it, I just love writing these for the often-overlooked characters in TPM. This one is relatively short compared to the Handmaiden Diaries, only four entries.  
Shmi's Diary was logged into a highly encrypted datapad, probably to protect it from Watto's prying eyes. A careful examination would only reveal some recipes and housekeeping notes which would bore anyone to tears very quickly. The good stuff was hidden in a series of secret files. Enjoy!! 

***** 

Anakin gave me quite a scare today. He lost control of his podracer and crashed and... 

He came so close to dying that I almost cannot bear it. And he is so cheerful about it. He is proud because he managed to save most of the pod. All I can think of is that _he_ is whole and in one piece. I could care less about the pod, particularly since it belongs to Watto. 

I am still trembling from this afternoon. I was shaking so hard while I cooked Ani a celebration dinner (although he was the only one celebrating) that I managed to spill a whole jar of choru spice and there will not be money to replace it for quite some time. Watto would have my head if he knew that I had wasted such an expensive spice like that. I do not know why he thinks such things are his business when I buy them with my own money. 

He does, though. And there is not one thing I can say. Sometimes the helplessness of knowing that someone _owns_ me, but more especially Ani, makes me feel blind with rage. Ani is so special and he deserves so much better. 

Just last week, a wealthy family whose ship had broken down came through Mos Espa. Their son was about Ani's age, but he was so greedy and arrogant and rude. And yet he has everything while my sweet, generous, kind Ani has so little. 

He does not seem to dwell on what he is lacking either. And I try not to think about it myself. I try very hard not to let on to him how desperate I feel about our situation sometimes, but to still help him cultivate a desire for more. He could do so much if he was just given the chance. 

I cannot help but wonder what purpose his extraordinary birth was if he is to spend his life here on Tatooine as a slave. 

*****   
  
Please review me--it would make my author very happy. ;)


	2. Entry 2

Excerpts From the Diary of Shmi Skywalker--Don't Look Back--Entry 2 Don't Look Back–Excerpts From the Diary of Shmi Skywalker   
  
Author: princess-sari  
Disclaimer: The Star Wars universe and everything in it belongs to George Lucas and Lucasfilm, Ltd. No money is being made from this story and no infringement is intended. 

Editor's Note: Yes, another Diary by princess-sari. :p I can't help it, I just love writing these for the often-overlooked characters in TPM. This one is relatively short compared to the Handmaiden Diaries, only four entries.  
Shmi's Diary was logged into a highly encrypted datapad, probably to protect it from Watto's prying eyes. A careful examination would only reveal some recipes and housekeeping notes which would bore anyone to tears very quickly. The good stuff was hidden in a series of secret files. Enjoy!! 

***** 

I had a very strange feeling today and so did Ani. He told me when I tucked him in that he felt like his skin was on fire. I said I would go for the salve I usually put on his sunburns and he said, "No, not like that. Just like...like something is going to happen." 

I felt the same way today. Perhaps it is because Watto caught me with my money pouch and of course there was more money there than I could have unless I had been saving for months. He cannot prove that I have been selling small items on the side, but he suspects. He threatened once again to sell Ani to Jabba–without me, of course. 

He thinks he has given me great latitude in allowing me to clean memory devices for what little money that brings in and I know if he finds out about the other items I have been buying and selling and the profit this is bringing in, he would either make me stop, demand part of the profits, or follow through on his threat to sell Anakin. Which is why he must not find out. 

When he made the threat today, I had to fight down a desire to throttle him with my bare hands once again. I am reaching a point of no return. I am not sure how many more threats I can put up with. People always remark at how patient I am, and I cannot tell them that inside I am raging. It is something I have fought all my life, especially since I first became a slave. I suffered so many beatings in those first months because of my temper and my mouth that it is a wonder I survived them all. 

I did not really mellow until I had Ani and suddenly my temper could get him in trouble, too. Now I still rage, but I hold it inside. In some ways, I think that is worse even if it does mean fewer beatings. 

In any case, I know that I am reaching my breaking point after years of forcing myself to stay in control. I fear for Ani, though. If I were to lose control, what would happen to him? I fear he would be _fortunate_ to be sold to Jabba in that instance. 

If only something would finally happen for our good, for Ani's good. 

*****   
  
Please review me--it would make my author very happy. ;)


	3. Entry 3

Excerpts From the Diary of Shmi Skywalker--Don't Look Back--Entry 3 Don't Look Back–Excerpts From the Diary of Shmi Skywalker   
  
Author: princess-sari  
Disclaimer: The Star Wars universe and everything in it belongs to George Lucas and Lucasfilm, Ltd. No money is being made from this story and no infringement is intended. 

Editor's Note: Yes, another Diary by princess-sari. :p I can't help it, I just love writing these for the often-overlooked characters in TPM. This one is relatively short compared to the Handmaiden Diaries, only four entries.  
Shmi's Diary was logged into a highly encrypted datapad, probably to protect it from Watto's prying eyes. A careful examination would only reveal some recipes and housekeeping notes which would bore anyone to tears very quickly. The good stuff was hidden in a series of secret files. Enjoy!! 

***** 

I am not sure if what happened today is good or not, but it is certainly out of the ordinary. Ani came home today with three strangers–four if you count their droid. First, there is a Gungan. He must be miserable in Tatooine's dryness. Then there is a young girl, very pretty and with manners that lead me to believe she is more than she seems. Ani is very obviously sweet on her and I hope he is not going to be too heartbroken when she leaves. And then– And then there is the Jedi knight. He is tall and handsome, a little older than I am perhaps, and I must admit I feel attracted to him. I wonder how different life would be for Ani and me if we had someone like that to protect us. I have felt so safe since he first walked in the door, a feeling I have not felt since I was about Anakin's age. 

He is obviously powerful, but he is so gentle. I find myself wondering... Well, there is no point in thinking on it. Such things are impossible. 

Apparently they are trapped here until they can get a part from Watto that they need. To do that, they need money. And the only way to get money...is for Ani to race his pod in the Boonta Eve race tomorrow. 

And I gave my permission. My stomach churns just thinking about it. He built the pod himself from junk and scraps, so I cannot even console myself by thinking that it is built to protect him. I know my son, and the only thing he built it for is to go fast. 

The girl is laying in my bed, pretending to be asleep. She does not say much, but what she does say reveals much, at least to me. If that girl is just a simple handmaiden, then I am a Hutt. Unless where she is from, handmaidens are accustomed to giving orders and having them obeyed. I can tell that she does not like taking orders from Master Jinn and I wonder what brings them together. 

I should be getting to sleep now, though I could stand to write quite a bit more if I want to have any chance of sleeping. I probably am better off awake anyway–if I slept, I would only have nightmares of Ani racing and crashing again. 

*****   
  
Please review me--it would make my author very happy. ;)


	4. Entry 4

Excerpts From the Diary of Shmi Skywalker--Don't Look Back--Entry 4 Don't Look Back–Excerpts From the Diary of Shmi Skywalker   
  
Author: princess-sari  
Disclaimer: The Star Wars universe and everything in it belongs to George Lucas and Lucasfilm, Ltd. No money is being made from this story and no infringement is intended. 

Editor's Note: Yes, another Diary by princess-sari. :p I can't help it, I just love writing these for the often-overlooked characters in TPM. This one is relatively short compared to the Handmaiden Diaries, only four entries.  
Shmi's Diary was logged into a highly encrypted datapad, probably to protect it from Watto's prying eyes. A careful examination would only reveal some recipes and housekeeping notes which would bore anyone to tears very quickly. The good stuff was hidden in a series of secret files. Enjoy!! 

***** 

I feel so empty inside. 

Anakin, my Anakin, is gone. 

Master Jinn took him away today. He is free. He is to be trained as a Jedi. 

Finally, finally, what I have hoped for for so long has happened. Someone came, someone stronger than Watto, someone with the power to give Ani a better life. 

And I am so confident that Master Jinn will do his best by Ani. If I could have said what I would want in a father for my son, Master Jinn fits the picture better than anything I could have hoped for. He promised me that the Jedi will send me regular news about Ani and I am already anxious to hear something. I miss him so much. Tonight, after he left, I went into his room and lay down on his bed and just smelled his pillows. 

I keep remembering back to when he was little, asking me question after question until I was half mad...until I looked into his huge blue eyes. He could always twist me around his finger with those eyes. 

Or I think back to when I first discovered that I was pregnant. I was so scared at first and a little angry because I did not know what was happening. And then the first time he kicked inside me, I had never known joy like that before. It seemed so amazing that _I_ should have the honor of bringing a new life into this world. 

And when I first looked into his eyes, I knew an even greater joy, as I have with every succeeding day of his life. 

I have never been prouder of him than I was today when I watched him leave with Master Jinn, on his way to become something great. _My son will change the universe_, I thought. _He will do extraordinary things._ I am sure of that. 

But with that great joy was a very great sorrow. He will do great things, but I will not be there to see them. Every day he spends away from me, he will be growing up and leaving me behind more and more. It is a selfish pain, but so is any pain, I suppose. 

I will busy myself soon with helping others. I have some ideas for work within the slave quarters that I have put off to be able to give Ani all my attention. I will throw myself into that as a distraction and perhaps someday I will be able to see him again, perhaps even join him. 

He asked me today, "Will I ever see you again?" I think those words will echo in my heart for the rest of my life. And I could not tell him yes. I asked him, "What does your heart tell you?" And he said, "Maybe...Yes...I guess." In my heart, I have a horrible feeling that I looked upon my son for the last time today. There is still hope there, too, but for the most part, I am convinced that I will never see Ani again. The Jedi may send me holos of him, but that is not the same. 

And so tonight I will allow myself to grieve. And then tomorrow morning it will be time to let go. How I will survive I truly do not know, but I will. 

Even in the midst of my grief, I am so happy that my Ani finally has his chance for something better. Part of me wishes that I had told Master Jinn not to take him or that Anakin had decided he wanted to stay, but it is a very small part. The decision was made–by Anakin–and it was the right decision. 

Today I told Anakin, "Don't look back," and then watched as my baby did just as I said and walked away from me with his head held up and his eyes in front of him. 

Now I must do the same. I must keep from looking back and make myself look forward to the day when I will see my son again. 

That is what I keep telling myself now: 

_Don't look back, Shmi, don't look back._

The End 

*****   
  
Please review me--it would make my author very happy. ;)


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